How Infertility has changed me…
Getting ready to relaunch my podcast has given me many sleepless nights. The last few months have been very much focused on the podcast, working with a new agency – Crowd Network as the podcast joins their exciting portfolio of content and I get to work with a brilliant creative team to help more people find about the podcast.
It’s all I’ve wanted for the project which started of as a way to try and process what I’d been through – in hte only way I know… audio… This ‘idea’ and has kept me busy for over 2555 days, 9000 hours interviewing people, meeting people, connecting people, posting on social, writing articles, speaking the media, hosting webinars.
Yet this thing has come from a sad place, a place of heartache.
An experience that changed my life.
I’m finding myself doing a lot of self-reflection, as I know many people are. We’re in lockdown so what else can we do. I’m lucky in that I work for myself and pre-pandemic worked a lot from home, so that didn’t take much getting used to. It was more that I’d got a great routine in place that saw me working in shared offices and travelling – which obviously all stopped.
Yet this podcast and what I’ve been doing with it and what I am trying to do with it have prompted a lot of soul searching. What am I doing here, what do I really care about, what do I really want to achieve with it. Whilst all of this has been going on, my own mental health has been struggling. I’ve been trying very hard to find a way to help myself and I think I can safely say I’m on the right path.
Living through a pandemic has meant a lot of us have spoken up more about our mental health, myself included. I’ve learnt lessons about the deep routed messages we tell ourselves, things we pick up when we are pretty small. Yet we carry them with us into adulthood and wonder why they affect us so much.
I’ve realised that I can’t quite believe how something I launched 7 years ago, my own idea, something I just did – has continued to be a rich source of fulfilment in my life. Infertility has brought me to this place.
I have this cheeky chappy you can see opposite, rolling around next to me on our bed as I type. It’s the weekend and we have the TV on and I’m tapping on my keyboard. Phoenix turns 6 in a few weeks and I’ve been reflecting on how I am as a parent, a wife, a daughter, how I am in my work… doing a LOT of journaling.
Infertility has changed how I parent. I have one child, one shot at it. I want to do it well, I want to thrive as a parent as much as I want my son to thrive growing up. I’m proud of how I am as a Mum and I love the relationship I have with my son and long may it prosper. We decided to not have another child, despite it not being part of our original plan. That decision changed me.
It was the hardest one I’ve ever made, a decision that didn’t just affect me, but also affected our son. Not giving him a sibling, despite being one myself. Denying him that bond of a sister or a brother. Who am I to do such a thing, who are we. Yet my husband and I didn’t take this decision lightly. We spent months, years working through what it meant and I advise you to do the same if you can.
I have decided to speak openly about our decision to donate our frozen embryos to science as these different stages of our life that people just don’t always get – need to be discussed. The conversations within the TTC community on Instagram are a perfect example of this and I’m constantly surprised at how brave people are in what they share. There are amazing people doing this and I get so inspired by their outspokenness. Two of my favourite people capturing my attention at the moment are Katy @chasingcreation(upcoming guest hopefully) and @notafictionalmum ( who Kate and I spoke to and will be sharing with you )
When I think of how I parent I am proud of myself though. The beauty of having one child is the time you can dedicate to them. Anita Diamante said of having one child ‘she stopped at perfection’ I like that. My son isn’t perfect but he’s a pretty unique lad. I do find him fascinating and I love he makes me be silly, as silliness and joy are so important in the everyday.
Pic: Karen Herman
I never forget the words I said during a video I voiced for @fertilitynetworkuk in 2017.
“Infertility hasn’t defined me, but it has changed me forever.”
‘WAITING’ A short animated film about infertility from FormPlayStudio on Vimeo.
