Letting go, is the way I feel we should talk about this topic. Not letting them perish, destroy or discard. We gave a precious gift to scientific research and for that, I will also be proud.
I spent a long time working out what I really wanted to do with our remaining frozen embryos and you can hear more about my story and the decision we made in this is a link to an article that BBC news shared about my experience and you can also listen to the conversation I had with Emma Barnett on BBC 5 Live in November 2020.
Yesterday I was with my parents, socially distancing as we all have to these days – and my Mum has a new phone and can finally access old videos. She was showing me ones of my son, Phoenix- aged 2. We were reminiscing about the days when they used to be able to look after him.
On my drive home I was struck with a sense of sadness about our decision. Those videos took me back to him at 2, he’s now 5.. and I had a longing for those early years and then was reminded I’ll never have them again. I was also taken to an alternative reality where I could imagine Phoenix’s younger brother. It was powerful and I’ve not had that before.
Then last night, I was cuddling our kitten Lola, who at six months is now letting me hold her for longer and I was dancing with her, holding her up on my shoulder like I used to do with Phoenix, and it happened again. That pang, that I’d never hold my baby in my arms like that again – my kitten has become my furbaby obviously.
These decisions stay with you, which is why I’m keen to continue to talk about them and share them. The piece I did with the BBC has meant all sorts of friends and family members have been in touch. I forget that each time I share, someone I know learns something else about me, and for anyone who doesn’t know me, well they get an insight into my world.
Talking about infertility is hard but necessary. Please don’t feel alone if you have questions on this stage and please do ask for help, if you are finding it hard to deal with your emotions. This is the work I am now doing as a Freedom Fertility Formula specialist, which you can find out more about here
One more things, here’s a little video I made when I went back to Bourn Hall to talk about donating our embryos.
